Where's My Chocolate?
by Cherry Blossom Wings
Summary: In which Hitsugaya learns that hell hath no fury like a woman who has had her chocolate stolen.


**A/N:** Hello dear readers! This is my first fanfic in the Bleach fandom. I've recently discovered a HUGE weakness for Hitsugaya and I find his partnership with Matsumoto particularly endearing, but in a strictly non-romantic way. This pointless, cracky one-shot was born from exhaustion and a _serious_ lack of chocolate. Hence the title. Enjoy!

 **Disclaimer** : Bleach belongs to the amazing Tite Kubo, obviously. All I have is a way-more-adorable-than-it-has-any-right-to-be chibi Hitsugaya keychain. With bankai.

 **Warnings:** Rated for Matsumoto's foul mouth. Nothing too bad, though.

 **XXX**

A gust of cold winter wind blows over Karakura town, ruffling scarves and coats and giving goosebumps to a few residents bundled up against the chill. The wind makes its way over roads and parks, until it finally swirls around a lone figure standing poised, stone-still, on the rooftop of a quaint little candy store. Hair the color of fresh snow ruffled into characteristic spikes, scarf fluttering in the breeze, Tenth Squad Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou stands vigil like an avenging angel- or in this case, death god- scanning his surroundings with a single-minded focus.

Why is he doing this, you ask? It's quite simple, really.

He is looking, _again_ , for his absconding vice-captain.

Now you might think that with the many, _many_ times Matsumoto has disappeared on our young Captain only to turn up plastered out of her mind in the most unlikely places, he would have learnt his lesson and left her alone with her precious alcohol. But this time is unlike all the others. It wouldn't be wrong to say that if he doesn't find her soon, the future of Karakura Town could be in jeopardy, and even that insanely powerful and supremely annoying substitute shinigami Kurosaki won't be able to do anything about it.

Because Matsumoto has run out of chocolate.

Now, don't laugh. The situation is far more serious than you can possibly imagine. Even the greatest shinigami in Soul Society know better than to approach Rangiku Matsumoto when she hasn't had her daily dose of chocolate. No, really. Ask the Soutaichou and he'll probably shake his head and tell you that some battles are not meant to be fought. Ukitake will wince and begin to cough badly, Shunsui will laugh in your face and promise to attend your funeral, Soi-Fong and Kuchiki Byakuya will sniff and look away disdainfully and the other Captains will just look sad.( _Such a shame. He/She was a promising young talent. But sacrifices must be made to keep the peace, you know.)_ Of course, Mayuri will probably wish to dissect your remains afterwards, but then….um. Anyway, the point is, the _last_ time anyone tried to tackle this hazardous task, half of Seireitei was reduced to rubble, Fourth Division's halls were filled with shinigami clutching their heads and screaming "She's coming! Run away _now!_ " and only a frantic trip to the living world to buy a truckload of the finest chocolate (authorized by the Soutaichou himself) was able to stop the carnage.

But I digress.

As we get back to Karakura Town, we notice that Hitsugaya-taichou is no longer on the rooftop of the aforementioned candy store. Instead he is flash-stepping his way as fast as (in)humanly possible to a familiar soccer field. The reason for this is made apparent as we approach the field, which is currently being ripped apart by a tangled, flailing, shrieking mass of black with the occasional flash of orange. Hitsugaya-taichou stops at the edge of the park to try and decipher what is going on. What he sees actually _scares_ him.

Matsumoto is happily- with enthusiasm that would make Yachiru jealous- beating the ever-loving _shit_ out of a gargantuan Hollow. Haineko is a blur of flashing steel and grey swirling clouds of ash, coupled with the hoarse cry of an enormous cat, slicing the Hollow into teeny-tiny bits. Matsumoto herself whirls around the unfortunate Hollow with lethal grace, sun-bright hair flying behind her like a banner; she would make quite a beautiful picture if not for the absolutely bloody _terrifying_ expression on her face. It is an expression that could almost be classified as two parts Zaraki Kenpachi and three parts Ichimaru Gin with a side order of Mayuri Kurotsuchi- if it weren't for the fact that this expression is _entirely_ Matsumoto. She is screaming at the Hollow, her words a jumble of "Stupid, f***king piece of crap- useless Hollows- can't put up a decent fight" and more prominently "Where the bloody hell is my _chocolate_?"

Hitsugaya-taichou decides on the spot that this situation calls for divine intervention- or, more specifically, one Inoue Orihime.

You may wonder what such a sweet-tempered human girl could possibly do to a powerful shinigami like Matsumoto. Spiritual powers aside, Orihime is physically incapable of hurting anyone, be it friend, foe or Arrancar. But Hitsugaya-taichou isn't known as a genius for no reason. He is going to find Orihime because she has a deep and intimate understanding of the alternate dimension known as a woman's mind. Her insight will be invaluable in this situation.

And also, she's the one who introduced Matsumoto to chocolate in the first place.

When he finds her, Orihime is grappling- albeit in nice, friendly kind of way- with her Physics homework. The unexpected arrival of a shinigami Captain only manages to cause mild surprise; she gets over it quickly and offers him some tea. He declines-politely-and proceeds to explain the situation in a clipped, calm tone and with as few words as possible-despite a very, very small urge in the deep recesses of his brain to run and hide until Matsumoto calms down or the universe explodes; whichever comes first. As expected, Orihime's expression morphs into one of absolute sympathy. "I completely understand, Hitsugaya-taichou. Kami knows I've lost my temper with many people when I'm PMSing. It can be quite hard you know…..but I know _just_ how to fix this!" Once he overcomes his incredulity (Orihime losing her temper? Pigs would fly first.) he leans forward to hear her plan.

 **XXX**

 _One hour later_

Rangiku Matsumoto stalks unhurriedly down the streets of Karakura town, her mind a raging tornado of adrenaline and chocolate withdrawal. She is vaguely aware that her chaotic reiatsu is attracting more than the usual number of Hollows, but she welcomes the challenge. Serves the little bastards right, thinking they can hurt her. And while it would have been impossible for a mere Hollow to steal the chocolate stash from her room in the barracks, until she finds the real culprit, she is perfectly willing to unleash her rage on any poor lost soul foolish enough to cross her path. It is while her thoughts rage in this manner that she spies the glossy flyer. It is a perfectly ordinary looking card, an invite probably for some little fair or something like that, and she just skims it quickly while preparing to throw it away and continue on her Path Of Doom And Destruction, unmindful of the white-haired figure watching her intently from a nearby rooftop.

Then she stops, reads it again. And again. Her eyes widen in shock.

This isn't an ordinary piece of paper. It is her _salvation_.

 **XXX**

 _Many, many hours later_

Hitsugaya-taichou sighs contentedly as he finishes a huge batch of paperwork, most of it belonging to his lazy vice-captain. While he would usually tear a strip off of her for neglecting her work, after seeing her decimating those Hollows today he is willing to let it slide, just this once. Seeing his vice-captain-who is almost like an elder sister to him by now-happily licking chocolate off her fingers while babbling about her day ("Oh Taichou you should have seen it! An all-you-can-eat-chocolate contest- it was the stuff dreams are made of!") he can't help but feel a slight sense of peace. Maybe the day wasn't so bad after all. He will have to remember to thank Orihime for the suggestion and the flyer next time he is in Karakura. However, his train of thought is interrupted rudely when he is hit on the head by a pencil holder. "Matsumoto, what the hell-?"

She turns to him slowly, very slowly, her face completely blank and devoid of expression.

"Taichou…..where's my sake?"

 **XXX**

It is a long time before anyone finds out just why Hitsugaya-taichou spent a week camping out in the woods behind the Thirteenth Division, whimpering about chocolate, nightmares and Twin Mountains Of Suffocation.

 **XXX**

 **A/N:** Stupid, I know. No points for guessing what the Twin Mountains of Suffocation are. It should be fairly obvious.

Please R&R!


End file.
